lately i often find myself imagining the sensation of exploding. not the euphoric, ecstatic kind of exploding but the messy, bloody, physical kind. there is this moment – a premonition – i check my surroundings and for a split second wonder if i am still alive. of course every time i am, my body one whole piece, everything completely normal. but in that short moment of doubt it becomes a very realistic possibility. i imagine how fast it would go, how in the blink of an eye everything that occupied my mind would suddenly be pointless, and how the joke would be on me, in the afterlife, my soul returning home, saying i had seen it coming.